I have not been to an eye doctor in years.

Once I moved to the eastern side of the state, I never got around to getting myself a new eye doctor. I’ve had the same pair of cruddy glasses since highschool, and only use them for watching TV (when I’m not too lazy to get up and grab them) or when I go out to the movies.

I have been yelled at dozens of times by my family to get contacts, or to “go put on your glasses!” “stop squinting!” ” you’re going to kill a pedestrian!” etc. etc. Have I hit a person before? Yes. But in my defense he and his bike came out of nowhere, and once he put his hand on the hood I knew he was there!

My last visit with twin, Angela, finally pushed me to make the call and set up an appointment. She didn’t like me driving in the dark without glasses while on my way to the gym, but I’ve basically memorized the roads to the gym, so I don’t even need to be able to see… right?

I finally bit the bullet and found a local optomologist. The woman was able to fit me right in, so I thought, “great, I will just go in and get my exam, get fitted for contacts and be done with it.” Well, was I ever so wrong.

I walked into the small eyeglasses store and was led into a tiny back office. I was greeted by a gruff Russian woman in her late 60s. After the quick exam, she told me that my current prescription was wrong and that I would need new glasses along with my contacts. She then placed a pair of contacts in my eyes (yelled at me for blinking) after the multiple tests of looking at the contacts and telling her if they were inside out or not.

Once the first pair were in I knew something was not right. I could barely open my eyes. I told her this and she told me, “It isn’t like changing a shirt, you are going to feel them.” So then I said, “Well, then I am not going to wear them.” She took them out and put in another pair. Those felt much better, but still not perfect. I suggested that I try another and see if they would maybe feel even better, and she said, “No, I will not allow you to try any others, these are the perfect fit for your eyes.”

At this point I just wanted to get the heck out of there, and not having contacts before I wasn’t sure if this lady was an expert or just insane. Then she told me I needed to come back for two follow-ups to take her “Contact Classes.” That’s when I knew she was indeed crazy. When I told her that I had never heard of anything like this, she got very defensive and told me she was not giving me contacts until I came back for a follow-up.

So here I am, one day until my Contact Class 101. I could just not go, but I did pay this lady $95. Plus it could make for some more amusing stories. And who knows — maybe I am in fact the crazy one. Or maybe, just maybe, this woman is going to blind me for life.