The last time the topic of online dating was brought up on this website, it ended in a Welch’s-drinking pedophile and a lonely birthday cake. Because of this, I shelved the idea for a few months and decided I would let fate do all the work for me. Everybody knows you’ll never find your man if you’re out looking for him! 

And you certainly won’t find him while you’re home eating endless rolls of sushi, picking dry skin off the heels of your feet while you sing along to Les Miserables on PBS for the 90th time.

So, after much coercing from friends and coworkers who I’m sure just wanted me to stop talking about how I’m a “hot and supple 24-year-old wasting away on the Upper East Side” (yes, I used the word supple), I decided to take another shot at the world of Online Dating.

With OkCupid as my muse, and my roommate as my partner in crime, the two of us sat on our couch and created “serious” profiles. For hours and hours and hours.

One of the first and most important steps in customizing your profile is filling out as many of the personality questions as you can. This helps the OKC scientists match you up with other compatible partners [as I was writing this sentence somebody named “niceguy8787” messaged me. I don’t want a nice guy; I want an emotionally unavailable prick with a sleeve of tattoos! God!]

The more of these that you answer, the better your matches and the better chance you have of not dying alone. Feeling ambitious, I answered about 50. Fifty should be plenty, right? Wrong. Not nearly enough to fill my “profile completion” status bar. Sixty questions, 75, 90? My roommate had long since showered and gone to bed while I sat, racking my brain for answers to life’s pivotal questions:

By the end of the night I had answered over 100 questions, and was still only getting IMs from a bunch of freakin’ jamokes:

(11:49:42 pm)BayRidgeSingle: How does a smart and kinky man with a high sex drive sound to you?

(11:52:03 pm)a****20: uhhhh

(11:52:06 pm)a****20: good?

Am I wrong to think that it must be a reflection of me and my profile when I get messages like the above? Also, I don’t care how kinky you are, I’m not taking the subway all the way out to BayRidge to f*ck you.

Another component to the OkCupid game is the new and exciting form of rejection one is now able to endure- right from the comfort of their tear-stained couch. The way it works is, a user is notified when his or her profile is being looked at by another user. So if you’re checking out somebody’s profile and then you send them a message, you can totally see that they’re looking at your profile and NOT ANSWERING YOU BACK.

Omigod, it’s terrible!

Sorry all of you Brooklyn hipsters (90 percent of my matches are Brooklynites which must mean I’m a douchebag). Was my “self-summary” not clever enough for you? Were my music, book and television likes not intellectually stimulating enough? There’s nothing wrong with Cobb salad and Charlie Rose, OK?!

Not surprisingly, this has made me question my profile and personality as a whole. *Hops on R train to Bay Ridge.*

OkCupid also has a rating system. You can rate somebody on a scale of 1-5 stars, 1 being “pre-pubescent ginger” and 5 being “looks hot in his pics but prob fugly in real life,” and the only way you can see how somebody rated you is by rating them a four or five. (If it sounds confusing that’s because it is.)

For me, this quickly turned into another exercise in vanity as I found myself giving four and five stars to people I was only mildly attracted to, just to satiate my curiosity and see what they rated me.

The quickest and most judgment-filled way to take advantage of the star system is by using Quick Match, the OkCupid game that brings “taking other humans for granted” to a whole new level.

I’m not usually into sporty guys, but can you ignore destiny when it’s so blatantly staring you in the face?

If we’re a 0% match, a 46% friend and a 56% enemy, does that mean there is a 4% chance you’re going to kill me, rape my dead body and then dress me up as your mother and keep me propped up in your bed like a real doll? Sounds pretty likely…

“I’m not one of those ordinary guys that would just give a dozen red roses…I would do one better for the lady and be even more creative when it comes to being romantic and expressing my love. I would do my part to express my love for her to the whole world, not just telling her how much I Love You but I would show you how much I Love You. I would come up with even more sweet unique different things to show the lady just how much I care about you so if you are looking for a unique kind of romantic guy out there ladies, here is the guy for you. :)”

Hopefully those unique romantic things include a tour around his new Delaware digs…

“I am 35 years old from New Castle Delaware, now in my brand NEW Apartment home here at Windsor Forest Castle Apartments. It is so peaceful and quiet at night and they really treat me like a King here too. Now all I need is a Queen by my side.”

Windsor Forest Castle Apartments aka a mental institution. I actually Googled it to make sure it wasn’t really a mental institution, because that would be mean, and it’s just a townhouse rental. And now I’m tempted to move in next door and spy on this guy Rear Window style, except I don’t think he’s home much…

“I love adventuring and going out to many shopping Malls, restaurants, bowling alleys, and of course video game arcades around here too. I do this not just for me, but for all the kids out there, making sure they have a great time and I love seeing the smiles on their faces. :):):)”

Smiles, or blood-curdling shrieks of terror?

“Yes I play video games in the arcades and try my very best to get those high scores, but I don’t just play, I make sure the game works, is in good working condition and also I check and make sure the place is safe for the kids to play too. I am always on the lookout for new places and new arcades to play and new exciting adventures too.”

Don’t you just picture this guy leering around the arcade, playing games of “Cruisin’ USA” and “Street Fighter II” over and over? “Mommy, does that man work here?” Just walk away, Little Jonny… just walk away.

“I am also really good at texting. I text on my cell phone rather than talk on the phone, but if you want to talk that is cool with me too.”

That’s actually the only appealing thing he’s said so far.

“I spend a lot of time thinking about my brand new Apartment home at Windsor Forest Castle. 🙂 Where’s the free FOOD?????? They promised us free FOOD!!! lol just kidding. 🙂 There goes my crazy sense of humor again.”

… oh dear.

Maybe I should stick with the Brooklyn hipsters.

Read Part 1 & Part 3 of “Single & the City”

Homepage banner image courtesy of Roman Kruglov