The Downfall of Taylor Swift
Remember when people really liked Taylor Swift?
Back in 2006, when she first burst onto the music scene with her hit single “Our Song,” fans instantly connected to her honest lyrics and down-to-earth personality. Girls wanted to be her best friend and guys wanted to bring her home to mom. She even beat out Beyonce for Best Female Video at the 2009 VMAs (much to the chagrin of Kanye West). And then she got, ummmm, kind of annoying. From her bushels of boyfriends to her Amy Poehler / Tina Fey diss, let’s review the gory details of Taylor Swift’s downfall.
5. Codependent as f*ck
The first and most obvious problem that Taylor Swift is wicked codependent, and she won’t STFU about it. I’m all for using writing as therapy, but this girl is taking it to the extreme. I don’t remember at what point in her career the whole “date a guy – break up – write about it” thing started, so I took to the Internet for the answer.
What I found was a plethora of infographics and timelines all devoted to this particular topic. (People fucking love infographics.) In fact, there’s even a “Swiftipedia” page which not only tells me about all of her exes, but what songs were written about each. None of the relationships (Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Conor Kennedy) lasted more than a year. In fact, none of them lasted more than three months. In New York City we don’t call that a boyfriend, we call that the average cycle of an OKCupid relationship.
Perhaps the most intriguing of the bunch is Jake Gyllenhaal. Apparently, based on this thoroughly fact-checked Taylor Swift wiki page, he spent $160,000 to have her flown over (over where?) on a private jet for a date, and then later broke up with her through text. Classy move, Homer Hickam. If you’re interested in hearing any more nitty gritty details about that relationship, just listen to her entire “Red” album on repeat. So, she dates a guy for literally two months, and then writes a whole record about him? Tay Tay, you’re fucked.
5A. She dumped Taylor Lautner for John Mayer. So, she dumped a werewolf for a Tim Burton character.
4. She used to empower girls, now she makes them feel jealous
Remember Taylor’s 2009 single, “You Belong With Me?” The song is essentially an anthem for any girl who’s been forced to watch her best guy friend date a total cunt while she looked on in broken-hearted agony. The lyrics were relatable and straightforward:
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts / She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers / Dreaming ’bout the day when you wake up and find / That what you’re lookin for has been here the whole time.”
Now, a mere four years later, and Ms. Swift is singing a different tune:
“I used to think that we were forever ever / And I used to say, ‘Never say never’ / Uggg… so he calls me up and he’s like, ‘I still love you,’ / And I’m like, ‘I just… I mean this is exhausting, you know, like, we are never getting back together. Like, ever'”
And I’m like, “Uggg, you are obnoxious,” and she’s all, “Have you seen my Target commercial?”
Taylor back in ’09, making all of the nerdy girls of the world feel a little bit better about their lives in her video for “You Belong With Me.”
Now she’s like, “I can get mad hot dudes with the snap of my fingers, I don’t even care about my old nerdy neighbor. Hey, check out my red lipstick.”
And has anybody addressed the weird fucking animal band that appears throughout the “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” video?
Seriously, what is this? Why is this happening? And why is Taylor still wearing those god-awful black frames? It’s like bizarro world Wizard of Oz, which is already pretty bizarre in and of itself. This bitch has gone off the deep end.
3. Taylor Swift fan mail dumpster
I remember the first time I wrote fan mail: I was around 10 years old, was utilizing my Lisa Frank stationery for the first time, and after slipping the unicorn and rainbow-adorned envelope into the mail I eagerly awaited a response which I would never end up getting. I later found out this was probably because I didn’t include a self-addressed stamped envelope. Thanks a lot, Michael J. Fox. So in early March, when hundreds of unopened fan letters addressed to Taylor Swift were found in a Nashville dumpster, I could immediately relate to the pain and confused agony that she must have imparted on her devoted fans. According to Nashville radio station WKRN, the fan mail was “covered with pictures, hearts and sparkles.” You know what else the mail was covered in? Crushed pre-teen dreams. Fuck you, Taylor Swift. Fuck you.
2. “Teen Battling Cystic Fibrosis Meets Taylor Swift“
God, what a self-serving whore.
(I like how the writer describes 15-year-old Cheyenna as “clutching” the inhaler. I hope Taylor’s band of furries doesn’t come onstage and overexcite her.)
1. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Speaking of Michael J. Fox (who knew he’d show up so prevalently in this article?), in maybe one of Taylor’s biggest faux pas to-date, the young singer struck back at comedians Tina Fey and Amy Poehler after they took a playful dig (otherwise known as A FUCKING JOKE) at the singer during the 2013 Golden Globes. Here’s the story: the two hostesses were doing their monologue and doing a pretty kick-ass job of livening up another stale night of Hollywood award shows. Michael J. Fox’s son, Sam, was at the event working as Mr. Golden Globe, so naturally Poehler and Fey joked with Swift, telling her to “stay away” from the 23-year-old. Seemed like a pretty innocent jab at the time, until T. Swift’s now infamous interview with Vanity Fair. According to an article by Reuters:
In the Vanity Fair interview, Swift, 23, responded to the Golden Globes incident by citing a saying told to her by talk show host Katie Couric that “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
So in one fell swoop you’ve pissed off Goddesses of Comedy Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, you’ve likely pissed off Katie Couric because you totally just threw her under the bus, and now you’ve pissed off me. And if you even THINK about touching Mikey J’s son I will crush you, because I’ve had my eyes set on him ever since I was old enough to realize that Michael J. Fox had a son close enough to my age to one day have
consensual sex with me. And if he had ever taken the time to read his fan mail, maybe he would know that by now.
I guess that about wraps up all of the reasons in which T. Swift is annoying now, although if Harry Styles was writing this article he might have a bit more to say. And, despite the aforementioned offenses, it seems that her career is still unstoppable. Ayo – Taylor – imma’ let you finish your career, but first I want to watch this YouTube video of “Our Song,” because I totally forgot how badass it is until I started writing this article. God, she’s so tall and pretty…