Clear your weekend schedule, pick up a fresh razor, and slather on your finest Bath & Body Works scented lotion- because tonight Enrique Iglesias is fucking you, whether you want it or not.

What in God’s name was Enrique’s manager thinking when he gave him the go-ahead to record this song (very matter-of-factly titled, “Tonight (I’m Fucking You)”)? Furthermore, what type of songwriter would even think to write something like this? (I think we can safely assume that E.I. isn’t coming up with his own material…)

“Here’s the situation / Been to every nation / Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do
You know my motivation / Given my reputation / Please excuse me I don’t mean to be rude- But tonight I’m fucking you.”

I wouldn’t call it “rude” as much as I’d call it presumptuous. God, remove one mole from a guy’s face and he thinks he’s the next Fabio. Isn’t this the same person who once claimed to “be my hero, baby,” and promised to kiss away my pain?