I listened to the red carpet pre-show while pulling the gizzards out of my chicken and prepping it for the oven. No, seriously. How come the hosts always refer to the evening of the Oscar’s as “a magical night in history” and “one of the most eventful evenings in our lives?” I’m not winning any awards, I’m not brushing elbows with George Clooney’s Beard, I’m not dating that awkward guy onstage handing celebrities their awards and ushering them offstage.