Michael Jordan is the NBA’s greatest player. Bill Russell is the best big man. Wilt Chamberlain is the all-time top scorer where it counts (apologies to second-place Shawn Kemp).

But Shaquille O’Neal quickly rose to the top of the most important list in the league’s history. He is, by far, the coolest player ever.

O’Neal refers to himself as the sexiest 7-footer in history, and no one argues. He’s a real-life super hero, stopping crime in his spare time. He’s a rapper and an actor. When young, he tore down backboards, and this summer he asked Kobe Bryant “how’s my ass taste?”

UPDATE: JSutel turned Buntology on to Shaq’s twitter. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

(Actually, given Kobe’s past, I prefer he stay as far away from my ass as possible — hello Eagle, Colo.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0924041kobea1.html — so perhaps that’s the lone black mark against Shaq.)

Shaq is what every suburban boy strives to be, 7-foot-1, 350 pounds with a smile, ego and wallet just as big, especially now that he’s shown he can dance with the Jabbawockeez.

If that’s not enough for you dreaming teens, he also has the love of the Bunts, who professed their affection this summer.

With that, we leave you with another pearl of wisdom from the Big Aristotle.

“Some things you just can’t question. Like you can’t question why two plus two is four. So don’t question it, don’t try to look it up. I don’t know who made it, all I know is it was put in my head that two plus two is four. So certain things happen. Why does it rain? Why am I so sexy? I don’t know.”