Sometimes I feel like I’m the only single gal I know. In my family, group of friends, and even at my place of business, it often seems that I’m the only Single White Female within the 5-mile radius.

For the most part, I have no problem with this. I think singledom suits me. I travel a lot, try to stay career-focused, and happen to live in a city crawling with hot men. But sometimes it’d be nice to trade my nights out at fratty bars on the Upper East Side for a night in cuddling up on the couch, watching a movie and ordering delivery. Oh, and a boyfriend might be cool.

That’s why with the heavy coaxing of my bestie, and mostly because I will always sacrifice my dignity for a laugh, I allowed her to create a profile for me on Zoosk and OkCupid, two of the more well-known (aka free) online dating sites. Here are some of the gems I’ve encountered so far…

Meet Luis! Luis lives in the Bronx. He likes to workout, hang with friends, and take pictures of himself flexing while wearing black goggles and a nipple ring, all the while staring up into the camera in a seductive but slightly homoerotic way.

Luis thinks I look like a “nice girl” and wants to get to know me better. Unfortunately for Luis, I could never date somebody as muscular as he is because then I will be held to a certain physical standard that I just can’t live up to. Although I do have very muscular calves.

Oh, and I suspect Luis probably likes dudes.

Brooklyn-dweller Gedo says, “hey, i’m from boston too! let’s get together and talk about the red sox!” MINUS 10, Gedo! I’m from Western Mass, not Boston, and I don’t give a crap about sports, which you would realize if you had taken the time to read all my likes and dislikes. God, it’s like you don’t even hear me sometimes!! How can this relationship flourish if we don’t have any communication?!? No, I don’t want any Welch’s grape drink, what am I, six years old? Put it away, Gedo- no, put it away. Oh, don’t you give me that puppy dog face with the head tilt, I’m talking to you!

Ah, you know I can’t stay angry at that big round skull of yours. OK, fine, pass me the Welch’s.

Villano, pictured here in what appears to be a mugshot, is a 19-year-old virgin from Staten Island. Wait sorry- I mean Virgo.

I generally don’t go for younger men, but at least this guy looks older. Like, way older… like… 50 years old. According to his profile he’s 5’6″- an acceptable height for my 5’4 1/2″ frame, and he’s even completed “some college.” Whether that’s because he dropped out, or because he’s only a goddamn freshman, is yet-to-be-determined.

While Villano’s “I just committed murder” facial expression is kind of hot, he doesn’t drink or smoke, has never been married or had kids, and writes that he is Christian – Catholic. Not nearly enough baggage for me.

After a few short weeks of being signed up with these websites, it became clear that Zoosk is more of a “you’re cute, let’s bang” type of site, while OkCupid is a “you’re cute, let’s get a drink, possibly dinner, and then bang” type of site. Despite their differences, both websites were spamming my email so hard that I had to apply filters to keep all of the requests out of my inbox.

Of course some still slip through. Like the one I got on my birthday last week from my “friends” at OkCupid. Tell me this isn’t the most passive aggressive thing you’ve ever seen:

I hear the judgment in your voice, OkCupid Mailing List!

“STILL single, ya’ big loser? You know you’re 24 now, you’re no shrinking violet. In a few years your eggs are going to dry up and your body is going to sag, so if you ever want kids you’d better start gussying yourself up and find yo’self a man!”

Oh, and thanks for the one candle signifying that since I don’t have a boyfriend I will end up spending my birthday alone.

I wonder if Gedo is around to hang. Everybody knows that nothing washes down frosting better than Welch’s grape juice and tears.

Read Part 2 & Part 3 of “Single & the City”

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