Today I got a care-package in the mail from my mom. Contents are as follows… 

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1. Tube of Mentos
An age-old favorite Ange snack. While I’m much more savory than I am sweet, I can’t resist me some of these nickel-sized freshmakers. It should be noted that this package was already opened when I took it out of the box. It should also be noted that they are now completely gone.

2. Four single rolls of toilet paper
My favorite part about this is that three out of four rolls are one brand, and the fourth is just some straggler. What do they all have in common? Most likely going to chafe my vagina.

3. Can of water chestnuts
Fucking love these things.

4. Box of instant rice, two boxes of pasta- all wheat
It’s like somebody with a gluten allergy’s worst nightmare. Because I get paid biweekly, for a week I live like a queen and for a week I live like a pauper. On weeks like the latter, I don’t eat for pleasure- I eat to fuel my body. The result? Sailor food aka tuna and some type of starch. This stuff will last me for weeks- holler!

5. Ajax
For when I run out of money for weed and booze, I can drink this and get a cheap buzz. Oh wait—this is for cleaning. Right, right, cleaning…

6. Can of olives, can of chickpeas
My mom is a vegetarian so my house is always overrun with legumes. Betcha these chickpeas will be gone by tonight (because I’ll devour them because they are DELICIOUS). Keep your eyes peeled for the inevitable picture of me wearing these olives like little caps on my finger-tips.

7. Bag of tampons
Ewww, tampons.

8. Bag of ibuprofen fashioned together with a pipe-cleaner
Can never have enough ibuprofen! Also, can use the plastic baggy for drug storage and can use the pipe-cleaner to de-clog my paraphernalia.

9. Plastic bags
To hold over my head during crowded subway rides. Just take a few deep breaths and it’ll be over soon.