UPDATE: According to this article published yesterday by CNN, the man who jumped into the tiger den didn’t do it as an act of suicide, he just “wanted to be one with the tigers.” Translation: He’s a f*cking idiot.
—
In what authorities are calling “an athletic feat that was a first in the history of the monorail,” twenty-five-year-old David Villalobos leapt 17 feet off of the Bronx Zoo monorail, clearing a perimeter fence, and landing straight into a tiger den last Friday, losing his foot and sustaining puncture wounds throughout his body in the process. 

“A tiger named Bachuta could have killed the intruder in an instant but fast-acting zoo workers were able to rescue the jumper who had been in the enclosure for about 10 minutes, Bronx Zoo Director Jim Breheny said.” 

Ten minutes? I’ve had love-making sessions that’ve taken less time than that (and I’m a very passionate lover). In ten minutes I can shower, shave my legs and poach an egg, and probably have a few minutes left over to brush my teeth and thread my eyebrows.

On the bright side, the man only lost a foot in the whole debacle. On the not-so-bright side, one would assume he did this as a suicide attempt, and unfortunately for him he lived so now he has even more to be bummed out about.

If I were planning on committing suicide, I don’t think I’d go the whole “lunge out of a monorail into the home of a wild animal” route. Seems like helluva lot of effort. I’d probably choose to OD on some type of opiate, and if I were planning on ending it all anyway I’d likely pig out on all my favorite snacks beforehand: Cheetos … nachos … Chex Mix … Cheetos … because why the eff not? The more I think about it, I guess I’d enjoy a Death-By-Overindulgance and just become morbidly obese until I contracted diabetes, developed a gangrenous foot, and inevitably had to get it amputated. Wow, I just went on a complete tangent but we managed to pull it together and come full circle in the end. I hope you feel as good as I do right now.

Bachuta — the 11-year-old Siberian tiger who got the jump on Villalobos when he landed — will not be put down as he “did nothing wrong,” according to Breheny.

When asked for his feelings on the day’s occurrence, the 400-pound Bachuta said, “Best. Day. Ever.”