Although I’ve avoided MTV like the plague since I was about 18, I think that will only make this live blog better. Presenting the 2010 MTV VMAs…

(pre-show Facebook chat conversation with my friend Nick)

Nicholas
hahha i think ill turn this on
this is the closest ive been to instant messanger since May 09
what channel is this shizz

Me
omg this is so awkward

Nicholas
haha i have it on now
VMAs bitchezz
lady gaga looks like a radish

Me
hahaha i love her
i cant wait to talk about how drake played the wheelchair-bound ex-athlete in degrassi 

Nicholas
really? they keep talking about him on the radio and shit like he’s john lennon…ive never heard of the dude
paramore chick looks like ilovelucy
-pants

Me
i wanna eff justin beiber btw

Nicholas
i have bieber fever
it burns when i poo and my voice cracks

Me
katy perry = whore

Nicholas
you mean really hot
shes like a baby panda with a great rack

Me
i love pandas

Nicholas
see
then you would love katy
snookie got assss
its funny cause none are from italy or new jersey

Me
hmmm
the name of my article is gonna be
“live blogging the vmas regardless of the fact that i hate mtv”

Nicholas
or when did mtv start showing videos
or Takin’ it back to the old school–MTV celebrates music videos

—————————————

9:00 p.m.
BEST FEMALE VIDEO – If Ke$ha wins I will seriously kill. OK Lady GaGa. I love her bizarre ass. How the hell does she walk in those shoes?!?!?! Anddd here comes the tears. What is this chick on? And why do I love her so much. “Thank you to all the gays for remaking this video over and over again.” I second that.

BEST ROCK VIDEO – I want Florence and the Machine to win… I’m sorry I was just distracted by the ridiculously homoerotic behavior of the cast of Jackass. Especially that guy who plays Party Boy. These dudes are almost as irrelevant as 30 Seconds to Mars, who just won the category.

Does the “B” on Justin Beiber’s jacket stand for “Beiber,” “Boston,” or “Balls just dropped?” Tweet into MTV to vote!!! Alright– I am a little impressed at his drumming abilities. They should have Travis Barker’s amazing ass come and cameo.

9:36 p.m.
Is that Ke$ha? Why does she look like a pregnant cockatoo?

Alright, I have to give props to Usher. He really has had a pretty illustrious career. And he’s an amazing dancer. But I hate when an artist sacrifices singing to dance, when the whole point is to perform the friggin’ song!

9:43 p.m.
I forgot to mention how much I love / want to be / want to be friends with Chelsea Handler.

BEST MALE VIDEO – I’m so out of the dookie pop music loop I have no clue who is even going to be nominated for this… who is Jason Derulo? Anddd Eminem, whose comeback I’m completely underwhelmed with, takes it. Em wasn’t there to accept the award, he had to leave and catch a flight to perform with JAY Z. MMM I’d kill a hobo to see that.

9:51 p.m.
Florence and the Machine just started performing. I only know a couple songs by this band, but they have a pretty cool sound. I always wonder what these performances look like to the live audience, because right now “Florence” and some dancers are dancing flat on the ground and the camera is panning over them… Holy shit! What a ginger! She’s got an amazing voice… oh God Travis McCoy, Katy Perry’s ex-flame, just came out for a surprise performance as FATM ended. That was kind of weird.

Speaking of weird, what the f*ck car was Pharrell Williams just trying to sell me?

10:00 p.m.
Chelsea Handler makes a reference to sitting on somebody’s face.

BEST POP VIDEO – Presented by the cast of Glee… don’t watch the show but I love Jane Lynch. Lady Gaga takes it! And has a completely different outfit on. She’s already won four awards (two before the show began) and is a lot more high-energy on the second trip up.

My love, T Swift, is performing her new song “Speak Now.” Oh God, is this a Kanye retaliation? … … … by the way, when I referred to Taylor as my love I meant I love her song “Can’t you seeeeeee you belong with meeee!!!!” and I’m using her performance to take a bathroom break.

10:17 p.m.
Text from Jackie: “Ok the taylor swift thing was bad. And where is jesse mccartney that is all i care about.”

10:21 p.m.
Who are these toolbag mother f*ckers standing next to Justin Timberlake? This man is a living legend of pop! Why isn’t he performing??? Instead he is introducing Drake, who I’ve been waiting all night to make a Degrassi joke about… why do people freak out so much about him [Drake]? I mean, he’s fine, but Mary is stealing the show.

10:30 p.m.
When did Evan Rachel Wood’s voice get so deep? I blame Marilyn Manson.

BEST HIP HOP VIDEO – The presenter, Sophia Vergara, just announced the nominees and the winner and I didn’t understand a word.

10:42 p.m.
I’ve never heard of B.O.B. in my life, but I know this song. He has a really good voice. OK, so I guess that wasn’t even B.O.B. just some rando on the piano. Hey this guy is actually pretty hot. Uh oh, here comes Paramore to sing “Airplanes.” If I had a dollar for every annoying ass girl who put the hook of this song in their Facebook profile, I’d have at least three dollars.

^Four dollars!

What’s with all these weird mini-performance commercials they are throwing in before / during the commercial breaks?

BEST NEW ARTIST – This is voted on by the fans, so it’s no surprise that Justin Beiber just won. What a little hottie. All the ladies onstage are taller than him.

10:55 p.m.
Linkin Park (whoever that is) performs their new song, “The Catalyst.” (Sidebar – I was once told that I was the catalyst for a classroom’s bad behavior.) How does Chester Benningfield even have a voice or throat left?

11:04 a.m.
“Vintage” Cher comes onstage to introduce Video of the Year.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR – Lady Gaga is nominated for two videos (“Bad Romance” and “Telephone”) and actually looks nervous. Andddd YES Lady Gaga for “Bad Romance.” Is it just me, or does it kind of feel like she is putting on an act when the tears start a-flowin’? “I said if I won this award I would announce the name of my new album– ‘Born Like This.'” – and singing ensues. Kind of weird but isn’t that why we love her?

Closing the show is Kanye West, dressed like a used tampon and performing a song I have never heard before in my life. “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags / let’s have a toast for the assholes / let’s have a toast for the scumbags / let’s have a toast for the jerk-offs.” Cheers, Kanye!