I Wanna Sext You Up
I’m sure by now everybody has heard about the big Anthony Weiner sexting scandal.
You know, the one where the New York democratic rep. sent sexy-time pics and messages to a plethora of young female fans over Twitter and Facebook?
The messages, some of which included Weiner shirtless or with “bulging-underpants,” were leaked earlier this month to a shocked and appalled country, and now the (married) politician is doing some serious damage control.
Despite the fact that only a complete idiot would use two of the world’s largest social networks to send racy pictures and messages, news and media outlets are now clamoring to educate the youth on the dangers of “sexting,” lest an entire generation becomes corrupted and starts using ass and titty shots as their Facebook defaults.
Is this really going to become an issue now? Are we going to be bombarded with daytime specials* and news reports about how to stop your kid from sending awkward pics of semis to brace-faced cheerleaders who can’t even read Cosmo sex tips without blushing? (I blush when I read Cosmo sex tips, but that’s because I’m embarrassed at how terrible and blatantly obvious they are.) [*Leave it to Tyra to stay ahead of the curve.]
The whole concept of sexting is nothing new. As long as there are new forms of communication, there will always be new forms of humiliation that follow. I think I was in 6th grade when dial-up Internet began to invade households, and you know my perverted friends and I were having a field day with that shit. Nothing curbs adolescent boredom like playing a game of “Who Can Get Somebody to Send Them a Cock Shot First?” As my parents read this and recoil in horror, take comfort in the fact that none of us were ever stupid enough to send any pictures back to the weirdos hanging out in the “Single and Lonely” AIM chat-rooms… and that your daughter is great at getting strangers to send her pictures of their penises.
Even now as a 24-year-old I find myself playing similar sicko games, but the forum has changed from chat-rooms and AIM conversations to text messages and Skype (don’t even get me started about being naked on Skype because that’s a whole article unto itself). Last week my friend and I were bored and after a couple glasses of wine decided it would be funny to convince an old hookup to send me (us) a picture of his wangdoodle. It wasn’t just funny… it was hilarious.
Alas, I can’t play completely innocent in this situation, for I won’t deny the fact that I, too, have sexted. I’m actually a big advocate for sending out a sexy pic or steamy text… TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. All of the times I have done it, it was always sent to somebody I was dating and trusted at the time. (“At the time” being the operative phrase here. God only know where those pictures are now, but hopefully somebody’s getting some enjoyment out of them.)
With the amount of hours I spent toiling over the camera on my Verizon LG flip-phone trying to get the perfect pic, I probably could have cured cancer. Instead, I paced wildly around my bedroom adjusting lamps and lighting in the hopes of finding the perfect amount of shadow that would make my cleavage look bigger and my waist look smaller. If my naked body is going to get released onto the interweb, I better look hot, dammit!
While I may be a big supporter of sexting the ones that you love, I realize that not everybody is as linguistically-adept in such situations as I am (#slut). To help some of the more shy readers out there, I’ve created a few templates which cover the basic sexting scenarios. They’re kind of like MadLibs, only you’re actually supposed to use dirty words:
Generic Sext #1
“I want your [adjective] [cylindrical-shaped noun] inside my [adjective often describing temperature] [noun with a similar consistency to apple pie or a bowl of jello].”
Generic Sext #2
“When I think about your [noun for reproductive organ of your choice], it makes me so [adjective or noun that means ‘not bummed’].”
Generic Sext #3
(In response to a sexy picture message)
“Is that a [noun, preferably a desert or sand-dwelling creature] in your pants or are you just [adjective that describes the demeanor of a dog when its owner comes home from work] to see me?”
Don’t be afraid to mix and match phrases, or even try some of your own material! Just remember to be careful of who you’re sending them to, and make sure that any nudie pics you take have your face cut off.
Oh, and, if you hold a job in public office and your last name is a homonym for “penis,” you might want to consider just putting the cellphone down before you ruin the fun for the rest of us.