The third week of The Bachelor begins with all the ladies commiserating on the couch, as per usual. Chris Hanson arrives in his best color block shirt to tell them that this week, like all other weeks that came before it, will be two solo dates and one group date. Thanks for that, Chris. Almost as helpful as when you remind us all that “there is only one rose remaining” during the elimination ceremony. We know, dude. We know.

SOLO DATE

Cassandra, not surprisingly, is selected for the solo date. The fun begins with a carefree Jeep ride, which ends in the Jeep careening into the water, Transformers style. Is JP licensed to drive this thing? It all seems kind of dangerous, and I can’t help but imagine what would happen if they flipped over and the date took a tragic turn. As Renee points out, this date carries a lot of weight because the moment Juan Pablo doesn’t feel a connection with Cassandra, he’ll vote her off so she can get home to lil’ Trey. The show would obviously never squelch such a dramatic element, and I’m counting Cassandra as one of the top contenders.

Cassy and JP swim around and suck face before heading back to Juan Pablo’s pueblo for some din-din. Cassandra is super pretty but dresses terribly. What’s with the pattern on her pants?

Cassandra says she hasn’t had a first date since she was 18 years old, which was coincidentally the same time that she conceived her child. Speaking of her child, she shows JP a picture of little Trey, who appears to be mixed race. Juan Pablo is all, “Woah! Trey is half black? You know how I feel about non-traditional families.” We’re only three episodes in, and I already want to rip my eyeballs out every time Juan Pablo does his head-tilt-puppy-dog-can’t-speak-a-lick-of-English thing. Just give her the rose and put your tongue in her mouth, already. And so he does.

GROUP DATE

The next day JP takes a group of girls to the home of the LA Galaxy for a little soccer. Nothing is more romantic than the StubHub Center – ladies, am I right? This is Sharleen’s first time on a Bachelor date and she doesn’t know what to expect, but whatever it is she’ll face it head on with pigtails.

Turns out, getting hit by the soccer ball a f*ck ton was what she should have expected, and even the most adorable pigtails can’t protect you from that. But, they do look good.

Nikki the nurse if finally getting some airtime on this date, as well as Andi. While we’re here: does anybody else keep confusing Ali with Andi? Except Ali has the personality of an old Swiffer Wet Jet cloth, and Andi is a sassy Jew girl with a nose job and sense of humor.

Sharleen and Juan Pablo sneak off for some 1:1 time so he can shower her with compliments in his private. Instead of responding with a “thank you,” she just keeps saying, “that was a compliment,” which leads me to believe she has a touch of Aspergers. 

AHHHHH MAKE IT STOP!

With the most attention being paid to Sharleen, Andi and Nikki, JP ultimately gives the rose to Nikki, shaking the other two ladies to the core.

SOLO DATE

Back at the house, Chelsea is picked for the second 1:1 date over Elise. Elise is pissed because she was sure she’d be the one chosen, and she feels Chelsea is “just a child.” The way I see it, if you don’t get picked for any of the dates you can’t get kicked off because that’s just not fair. Just hit the pool and go play with that dog.

Chelsea and Juan Pablo head out the following day. After some awkward as hell car dancing they stop for Venezuelan food before arriving at their final date location: a bridge. They are bungee jumping. At that point I’d be like “FUCK THIS I’M OUT!” because fuck that, I’m out. Juan ends up comforting Chelsea like the little girl that she is, first telling her “just do it for me,” and when she keeps crying and saying how scared she is, JP Is like “don’t worry about it, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do… but I won’t like you anymore if you don’t jump.”

Ultimately she decides to jump. Chelsea, you’re a better woman than I. Haha, just kidding.

Pregnancy? Cancer? Alcoholism? Mental and/or physical abuse? Gambling addiction and losing the family’s nest egg? These are just some of the things that a relationship can overcome via bungee jumping.

After some post-bungee romantic drinks, Juan Pablo gives Chelsea the rose and they dance to some third tier country band. JP likes Chelsea because she is laid back and fun, and that’s “what he wants, what he needs.” Aka she has a 24-year-old poontang.

The next morning JP comes over to the house to surprise the ladies with a Venezuelan breakfast. Most of the girls are horrified to be makeup-less, except my new favorite Renee who is so naturally pretty anyway and doesn’t give a second thought to her morning ‘doo.

They decide to have a pool party in lieu of a cocktail hour, and everybody gets mad at Big Boobs McGee aka Kat aka Dee Reynolds for wrapping her crotch around Juan Pablo’s neck the whole time. Kelly really hates it:

Sharleen is having doubts about her place in the house. She just can’t get over how awkward and forced everything seems, and isn’t the type to try and hog attention. She doesn’t feel comfortable with all of the cameras, either. Well DUH what show do you think you signed on for? Did you just do this to advance your opera career? Juan Pablo comforts her by spooning her like a baby and then making out for a bit. This is like the 80th time Shar has made out with JP this episode, and like the 100th time somebody has cried to him.

He has to do even more comforting when Clare whines to him about how she feels like he forgot about her after their first date: “In real life you would text or call and say you had fun.” Well, in “real life” you also wouldn’t knowingly date somebody who was also dating 20 other girls.

Elimination

Juan Pablo gives roses to: Andi, Renee, Kelly (and pup), Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Allison, Clare, Danielle, Lauren (even though the last two contestants have had NO face time).

Christy is one of the ladies shown the door. When she gives her exit interview, I realize that I had never even noticed her before. Was she even on this show?

Devastatingly, Lucy also gets voted off. Time for this “free spirit” to head back to her friend’s couch, but overall not a bad showing for a stinky hippy.