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Reflection on One’s Self at a Whole Foods Market

I feel like a horrible human being.

When people finish reading this article they will think, “Wow, Jackie is a huge bitch,” and they are probably right.  I won’t lie, sometimes I can be kind of, well, bitchy.

You don’t want to see her when she’s angry.

I don’t want to be this way, but it just happens. Every now and then while out in public I tend to overreact and take my frustrations or annoyances out on the people around me. Sometimes these reactions are justified, but other times- like last night- I know I was wrong. 

Perfect Mom

Check out those glasses!

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know I wanted to be a “Mommy.” While my sister asked for cowboy hats and toy guns I only wanted to wear my mother’s high heels and play with dolls.

I would not only be a mommy but I would be a perfect mommy. I would do all the right things thereby producing flawless children. I noted every error my own mother made over the years and vowed how I would approach that particular issue differently when it was my turn.

I would always believe my children because they wouldn’t lie thanks to my exceptional maternal gifts.  I would trust them and give them reasonable freedom when they were teenagers because, having raised them so perfectly, they would not want to disappoint me and would make the best choices or ask me or their father (whoever he turned out to be) for guidance.

I would love my kids with such intensity that they would never feel insecure, lonely, or sad. I was sure books would be written about my parenting abilities and my amazing children. Oprah would have me on her show and I’d fill the entire hour answering “How to Be a Great Mom” questions from less capable audience members.

OK, I did my best.

single & the city love

It Ain’t Easy for a Playa’: Single & the City Edition #1

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only single gal I know. In my family, group of friends, and even at my place of business, it often seems that I’m the only Single White Female within the 5-mile radius.

For the most part, I have no problem with this. I think singledom suits me. I travel a lot, try to stay career-focused, and happen to live in a city crawling with hot men.

unemployment diary featured image

The Unemployment Diary Part 1: The Aftermath

Recently (so recently, most of my co-workers are blissfully unaware) I have been let go, terminated, been hit by the Big Ugly Axe, sacked.

Dear Reader, for your amusement, while I am still giddy over the prospect of getting to stay home and confident about my ability to land another situation making more money and with more prestige and better benefits, I’ve elected to journal my experiences. I think it will be a fun experience and educational for other middle-aged men who will then be energized and encouraged to lose their jobs as well. Hell, maybe we can form regional and national clubs (like Skid Row in Los Angeles and the Bowery in NYC). At the very least, this will make a fun suicide note. 

5 Reasons Why Valentine’s Day Kicks Ass

1. A great excuse to party (not like I should have to justify myself to you anyway)

Back when I was a college student, filled with charming naivety and a youthful glow, V- Day meant shirking your responsibilities (if you consider class, work, exercise and general hygiene a responsibility), rolling up a couple Js, and getting down on some solid day drinking via a box of wine. And even though Valentine’s Day falls on a Monday this year, I’m not going to let that stop me from gettin’ up and throwin’ down. Or getting down and throwing up. Either way- I’m partying tonight. Vulnerable male singles, here I come!

2. The guilt-free consumption of baked goods, chocolate, candy, etc.
It’s not even noon and I’ve already eaten three Hershey Kisses, five doughnut holes, a bag of Doritos and a slice of pizza. Luckily, I bought a new shirt for the special occasion- which I unknowingly purchased from the maternity section of Loehmann’s yesterday- so there’s plenty of room up in hurr. Annnnd make that six doughnut holes.

prostate rape slight pinch

When Prostate Exams Go Wrong

I’ve been silent for over a day about this. I know this isn’t necessarily a forum for such a horrid, sad topic. I don’t mean to bring you all down. But I feel that my soul has been crushed and I’ve been a victim of a brutal crime. It happened right in one of the so-called “nice neighborhoods” in town. I was the victim of someone that I considered a friend. A caring, decent woman that I trusted. 

What New Years Eve Means to Me

I do not like New Years Eve. I would even go so far to say that it rivals Halloween for my “Least Enjoyed Holiday” award.

“But why, Angela? New Years Eve is a time for new beginnings! A chance to start over!”

No.

New Years Eve is the single worst night of the year for anybody not in a relationship (way worse than Valentines Day, a holiday I actually enjoy). Not only is it 100x harder to make plans because all of your friends are just going to hang out with their boyfriends, but then you have the added pressure of having somebody to kiss at the magical moment of midnight which brings me right the f*ck back to freshmen year of high school when I was the only 9th grader that didn’t have a senior to dance with at Freshmen Reception.

I have never had a midnight kiss on NYE. This is partly because I’m a loser, and partly because I have standards and don’t want to ring in the new year with a sloppy, drunken moment of regret and repulsion.

Facebook Users Spread Holiday Cheer, Anti-semitism

It’s getting to be that time of year again. 

You know, the time when I start to hate Facebook and contemplate having about five “friends.”

I have learned to ignore most of the political statements, requests to play games and answer questions about myself, or even find out who is searching for me (like I care). And now this week, thanks to Facebook, I have discovered the true spirit of Christmas through an old classmate’s FB wall: Anti-semitism.

With myself being a Jew this is kind of disturbing, and being it is on my Facebook simply means I have to write about it. My kids tell me I am the sensitive one in the family and perhaps this is true [editor’s note: *nods*] but a hater is a hater and I know one when I see -or rather- read one.

Holy Sh*t I’m Moving to NYC | Part 2

The second and final installment of Angela’s “HSIMTNYC” Video Diary has finally arrived!

This video was a definitely more of a challenge to put together than the first. In part 1, the storyline had a clearly defined beginning, middle and end, which made it easier in terms of knowing what to film and how to edit it. Capturing life post-move was a little more difficult because, like, I’m still living it. So I did my best to take about two months worth of footage and make some type of cohesive storyline with it.

The result? Jackie and I dicking around the city making jokes that are probably only funny to us.

Enjoy!