There’s nothing I hate more than exercise.

People laugh when I tell them this. They think I’m kidding. But I do not exercise at all. I’m in terrible shape. I don’t go to the gym, I don’t take any work-out classes, I don’t hike or walk my dog or kickbox or use the stairs if I can avoid it. I don’t even really like walking.

My idea of physical activity is tackling my front steps after a long Saturday night. So imagine my horror at realizing my Fitness for Life class is not a lecture session but – oh god! – a fitness class.

I need 1 phys ed credit to graduate, so I put off the half-semester class till, natch, the last half of my last semester (fingers crossed!). The class is at 8 a.m. I hate getting up early almost as much as I hate exercise, but not quite. The class meets in a big lecture hall in the campus center, so I figure hey! I can just hide in the back under my hoodie and nap for 45 minutes. What are we gonna learn anyway, right? How a heart beats? What’s in the food pyramid? Where to buy Cheerios? Blah blah blah, I get it. I mean, besides the fact that I get no exercise and eat nothing but Juicy Juice, french fries, whiskey and tomatoes, I’m prettttty healthy. This class should be an easy A.

“This class is an easy A,” the teacher boomed. I grinned and let my eyes drift shut. “Starting next time, we meet in the gym. Come dressed for activity!”

“Now, you aren’t going to be graded on how you measure up against your fellow students,” my teacher (coach? oh god) continued. “What’s important is that you come to every class. We’re measuring individual achievement. We’re gonna get those heart rates up. The goal is to have your heart rate at between 120-140 beats per minute for at least 35 minutes a class, three times a week.”

Let me lay this out for you. Things I hate:

1. Exercise
2. Getting up early
3. Going to class

So this is basically my worst nightmare come true. My teacher then said he’s going to monitor our heartbeats, our breathing; he’s going to track our progress and assess our abilities. Great, great. This already feels like high school. I’m going to show up wearing the wrong shoes, he’s going to dock me points, I won’t pass and my mother is going to kill me.

I guess I’m actually going to have to exercise. Like, put on a T-shirt and sneakers (is that what people wear?) and get on the treadmill or whatever. Crunches, stretching, water, whatever whatever. The rest of the Bunt family does it, I guess I could give it a try – I mean, I don’t really have a choice. I’m also going to start taking vitamins.*

*Steroids.