Feminist Guide to The Bachelor: Season 18, Episode 2

Juan Pablo at your service.

Juan Pablo at your service.

The episode begins with all of the ladies chilling by the pool, discussing how jealous they are that Clare gets to go on the first 1:1 date with Juan Pablo. (I love that they’re still letting the dog chill in the house. He’s swimming in the pool having the time of his life while these other bitches are panting for Pablo.)

[Editor's note: Jesus Christ, are all of these going to be two hours? This is exhausting.]

To make the date as seductive as possible, Juan Pablo leaves Clare blindfolded as they head to a secret location. She says to the camera that all she can do is smell Juan Pablo and he “smells like a bottle of heaven.” If you’re sitting next to a man in a car and you can smell him from the passenger seat, he’s wearing too much cologne. They arrive at their destination: a winter wonderland in a warm climate. That’s my idea of a nightmare, not a perfect date.

bach_snowSooo, is this a place Californians go to for fun, orrrr did they just make this for the show, or what?

Clare and Juan Pablo hot tub it together, and before Clare can feel not-guilty about making out with him on the first date she has to force him to listen to some drivel about how she will never find a man who is as good as her father.

How come when Juan Pablo tries to talk seductively, all of the sudden he can hardly form English sentences? I know it’s not your first language but c’mon.

Juan Pablo gives Clare the rose and they make out like two chickens pecking at each other’s faces. Then a live band starts playing, the snow starts falling (I mean how much freakin’ money does ABC budget for each date?), and they start slow dancing. Typical Friday night, man. Clare says, “My dad would want me to be happy, and I know he’s looking down on me smiling [or something like that].” Little does Clare know that God actually has a deal with Netflix, and only Roku’s are available in heaven.

The next day is Kat’s turn for a 1:1 date. She and Juan take a private plane to an undisclosed location, which ends up being the Salt Lake City Electric Run. That’s basically where everybody wears neon colors, drops ecstasy and runs a 5k. AKA worst date ever. How does JP even know if Kat’s in shape? What if she has some terrible disease and secretly sleeps in an iron lung every night? They arrive to help kick off the run, and despite it only being 3.5 miles it seems to take about 20 years to complete. Maybe if they did a little less dancing and a little more running we could actually burn a few cals here.

The following day is the group date. At least I think it’s the following day – time and space don’t seem to exist in the bachelor house. In any case, the ladies head to a photoshoot for Models and Mutts, which means they get to take pictures with DOGGIES! Juan’s stylist comes to assist them:

bach_stacheOMG! Who is that and what does he have stuck to his chin?

Lucy the Free Spirit aka Girl Who Keeps Taking Her Boobs Out tells the camera there is a lot of “pooping, sex and chaos” going on. Insert joke here. It’s supposed to be a sexy photo shoot, but many of the girls are dressed up in ridiculous costumes, including Lucy who is dressed as a fire hydrant.

bach_lucy hydrantShe doesn’t want the dog to pee on her, but doesn’t mind getting humped.

No matter how sexy or silly, every lady is given legit outfits to wear for the pictures — except Andi and Elise, both of whom have to pose completely naked, with only a dog sitting in front of them to cover up their hoo-has. Is it just me, or does it seem a little f*cked up to force the contestants to basically get naked on national television? Andi says photo shoots aren’t her comfort zone, and neither is being naked. I mean, being naked is fine, right? Just not on national television. Well, as long as you’re laying on your back so your stomach looks flatter – ladies, amiright?

Lucy trades with Elise bc she’s dying to bare it all, and Elise still manages to complain about her costume. Andi is stuck posing naked, and flashes the entire room her vagay. Well, at least its for a good cause… wait, what was this charity for again?

Kelly, you make a good point, but it’s hard to take you seriously when you’re dressed like a spotted turd. 

That evening the girls get all gussied up and head out for their group dinner date. I feel like I’d be so exhausted from doing the photo shoot that I wouldn’t be able to be “on.” In all fairness, I can only do one fun activity a day before I have to come home and return to my bubble. 

Cassandra sneaks away with JP and reveals to him that she has a 2-year-old. Suck it, Renee – Cassy is a single mom too, and she’s younger than you! Speaking of Renee, she’s managed to get some alone time with Juan and is on the roof with him, desperate to get a first kiss. Let’s be honest – she’d probably go all the way with him tonight if given the chance (it’s been a while).

In an effort to drink away the pain of having no 1:1 time with JP, Victoria ends up getting hammered.

Victoria starts running around the house crying and yelling, causing producers to have to scurry backwards around corners like cockroaches. Finally, she breaks the fourth wall and runs into a group of producers who tell her she can leave, but they need to get her a taxi and a flight. Victoria runs and locks herself in a bathroom as an act of defiance. Either that or she really needed to poop.

bach viccy bathroomIt just wont… come… out!

When Juan Pablo goes to comfort Victoria I fall in love with him all over again. He actually looks like he’s going to cry because he feels so bad. Victoria won’t give him the time of day, so he heads back to the group of girls to give out a rose to the person he was most impressed with throughout the day. Despite his Spanish sensitivity, he overlooks the fact that Andi was stripped of her morals and clothing at the photo shoot earlier, and instead gives it to Kelly. Well, I guess she did look pretty stupid…

bach_doggy

Juan goes to visit Victoria the next day, and although he is a super sweet heart and completely accepts her apology, he gives her the boot. He already has one child to raise, he doesn’t need two. Later that evening he meets with all of the ladies that he hadn’t gone on dates with yet. This includes:

Amy: She was the weird girl clutching her face last week. Seems cute but left not much of an impression on me.

Sharleen: First time they’d hung out since she awkwardly accepted his rose. Seems like one of the only women with a brain in the house.

Cassandra confides in Juan Pablo that she misses her son and doesn’t know if this whole thing is “worth it.” (Through tears, natch.) Man, this guy has had to deal with so many crying chicks today. MVP award goes to Renee for being a total sweetheart and comforting her. She’s such a mom.

Rose ceremony time! I wonder if he won’t send anybody home because he already gave Victoria the can. He calls Cassandra’s name first in an effort to reassure her that she isn’t missing out on her son’s childhood to be a slut on national television. Renee, Andi, Nikki, Sharleen and Lucy are all called, and a bunch of other chicks who I don’t know.

The eliminated ladies include: Clutching Her Fact in Excitement girl, even though they JUST had 1:1 time. Chantel is also nixed. Yea – doesn’t ring a bell either. Both ladies handle it with grace, and Chantel gives us our final cry of the evening. Cheers to that!

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Comments

  1. Keep up the fine work–I would do some nasty-ass shit to Juan Pablo….

    Also, remember when I told you I read that Bachelor spoiler on Gawker (natch)? I’m definitely following along to see if it’s all accurate. But my lips are sealed! (Except when it comes to JP, then my lips are decidedly less sealed…)

  2. Between you and Stern I feel like I actually watch this show. :-)

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