The 85th Academy Awards debuted on ABC last Sunday. Angela watched from her apartment in Queens, and Rochelle & Rod (her adoring parents) watched from their bedroom in Western Mass. The result? A mish-mash of jokes and insults that you may or may not find amusing. But you’re already a paragraph into the article so you may as well just keep reading.
ANGE: I listened to the red carpet pre-show while pulling the gizzards out of my chicken and prepping it for the oven. No, seriously. How come the hosts always refer to the evening of the Oscar’s as “a magical night in history” and “one of the most eventful evenings in our lives?” I’m not winning any awards, I’m not brushing elbows with George Clooney’s Beard, I’m not dating that awkward guy onstage handing celebrities their awards and ushering them backstage.
ROCHELLE (MOM): Kristin Chenoweth: You are short. We get it. The interview is not about you so stop telling us how tiny you are. Dad (Rod) and I said it could be a drinking game. Every time she refers to her size you take a drink. Wish I had counted.
Halle Berry: We decided that her hair has looked better and we aren’t crazy about her dress but it doesn’t matter. She is so beautiful she gets a pass. Robin Roberts: Did you really have cancer? Because your arms look fantastic. In fact, you look better than most of the healthy people I know. Way to go!
I’m really happy I have daughters because I know that if I ever had the money to get plastic surgery they would keep me from going overboard and becoming a member of the “Looks Like The Joker” Club. It is sad really. Was that Renee Zellweger? Holy Crap! Looks like The Joker. Too bad she didn’t have brutally honest offspring to keep her in line. So far I have Renee Z. and Nicole Kidman on the “Looks like the Joker” list. I will update as the evening progresses.
ANGE: Christoph Waltz took home the first award of the night with Best Supporting Actress for Django Unchained. This dude seems like such a genuinely nice person, and he and Quentin are total butt buddies. “I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying reaaalll haaaaahhhhd.”
ROCHELLE (MOM): I love Tarantino even though I know he is wacky. On Stern he does such a great interview. I feel like he would be just normal to hang out with. Well, aside from his being a genius. I don’t get the feeling that he is full of himself, I think he just has fun doing what he likes to do. Pulp Fiction? Please.
ANGE: Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy came onstage to present best animated short film, and best animated film. It’s like, Paul Rudd – as if I wasn’t already desperately in love with you enough, your long hair and beard have really sealed the deal. Can the two of these people (Melissa McCarthy and Pauly) be in a movie together already? (Oh wait, they already were.)
ROCHELLE (MOM): Oh Seth.. I am loving this. Hey, we just watched the Oscar-nominated “Flight” the other night. In the last 12 months we’ve actually seen some movies. So far I am pretty entertained.
ANGE: Woah! When did Seth McFarlane get so hot? This man is truly the whole package: he can sing, he can dance, he’s good-looking… too bad about that micro-penis, hey?
ROCHELLE (MOM): Cinematography – no one cares. Seriously, I know you work hard and we value your talent but no one but you and your family and friends give a shit about what you have to say. Sorry.
ANGE: Les Mis montage? Can’t even handle it. Much to my shock and disgust, there has been some negative feedback regarding the movie. To the haters I say: You are idiots. Read more about what Buntology thinks of Les Mis here.
ROCHELLE (MOM): Every time they play anything from Les Mis I get all choked up.
ANGE: Life of Pi = Life of Poop. Who cares, amiright?!?!?!
ROCHELLE (MOM): So many dresses with sparkles. And lots of strapless dresses. So many are are too tight or ill-fitting. In other words, the boobs look squished. Why doesn’t someone tell them? They need some daughters.
ANGE: Got a boner when the cast of Les Mis came onstage to perform “One Day More.” Lost it as soon as Russell Crowe started singing.
ROCHELLE (MOM): Did they just play the theme from Jaws as they urged some guy off the stage? That’s hysterical.
ANGE: Kristin Stewart: we get it. You’re all nervous and are always sporting that “I’m so out of place” vibe. But that’s no excuse for your hair to be so greasy. You’re at the fucking Oscars, bro.
ROCHELLE (MOM): Jennifer Hudson can sing, I’ll give her that. But I never like her choice in clothing.
ANGE: I’m getting bored. Ang Lee just won an award for Best Director, which is nice but doesn’t really count because they didn’t nominate like half the director’s they should’ve.
ROCHELLE (MOM): Shhh – Les Mis songs – I just love Les Mis and don’t care about the criticisms that it isn’t Broadway or there were issues with close-ups. Don’t care. Loved it and love all the songs. So shut up and go see Lincoln. (Actually, I want to see Lincoln.)
ANGE: Remember that time Jennifer Lawrence fell up the stairs after winning an Oscar? And then Meryl Streep walked out onstage and blatantly pulled out her wedgie? Oh well, I still love them both.
I was disappointed that Hugh lost to Daniel Day Lewis for Best Actor, but not surprised. That man is constantly winning Oscars, although I’m not even convinced he’s a real actor. I mean, I’ve never seen any of his movies…
ROCHELLE (MOM): Well, I’m really tired and so will probably just listen to Adele sing and go to sleep. I would like to hear Streisand and am kind of excited to imagine that Meryl Streep, Barbra Streisand and Adele are all under one roof but I can catch it on Youtube tomorrow.